Soul Searching in Borders on a Saturday Night

It's 2001.  I am living in the Bay Area as a live in nanny.  I had recently moved from Southern California after leaving a long term relationship that, instead of ending in marriage, ended in a discovery of infidelity and alcoholism (him, not me). I was 29 and figuring life out all over again. I was starting over.  

The freedom of being single and making my own rules was intoxicating.  In my off time, I would hop in the car with my Thomas Guide (for you youngins, that's what we used to figure out directions before the days of Google maps) and explore the Bay.  I would get lost in the winding roads of Hillsborough and plunder through the fog in San Bruno.  Drinks and dinner and my work bestie were in San Francisco.  And the water was always nearby.  

But my freedom was also lonely and isolating at times.  I was relearning what life was all about and figuring out how I wanted to live it.  I was torn between wanting to be in love again and not ever being in another relationship if I could help it.  I was trying to find out who I was on my own terms and that was scary. Some days I was so proud of myself for breaking free from the life I was settling for and other days I just wanted a comfort I couldn't find.

And that's where Borders came into play.  

For those that don't remember, or who aren't as ancient as I am, Borders was one of two big box bookstores that existed at the time.  I would peruse the aisles, buying more books than I could handle and jotting down titles for future purchase.  Then I would get lost in the music section. Back then, the music section had various CDs on display above shelves with headphones so that you could listen to samples of the songs.  I would listen to every single CD on display and soak in every note and every word.  This became my therapy and my medicine.  This became my healing.  

I could spend hours sifting through CD titles.  Each new artist became like a friend that spoke my language.  Lyrics became the bandage that would cover my past emotional wounds. They allowed me to feel and ease the sense of loneliness that was always somewhere beneath the surface. I began to write again.  Poems started flowing from pen to paper after being lost for so long. 

Some people go to a bar and drink away their sorrows.  Some hit the gym and sweat out their aggressions.  I drowned out the internal noise through cheap headphones in a bookstore on a Saturday night when nothing else seemed to work.  

I will forever be indebted to bands like Travis, Zero 7, Nikka Costa, Keane and Leah Andreone (to name a few) for their talents.  To this day, if I hear one of their songs from that time period I am immediately taken back to that transformative time in my life. I am eternally grateful that Borders existed and allowed me to dip into different genres back before it was as easy as a click of a button on the internet. 

When I heard that Borders was closing its doors 10 years later, it was like losing a dear friend.  It had been a lifesaver in the beginning and a place of comfort to go in the years after. So, thank you Borders of San Mateo, CA. You didn't judge a lost girl trying to figure out her place in the world.  You offered her a safe space to search her soul and find her path.

(this post was inspired after hearing the above song after many years)

How Do You Find Time?

I've realized that when I get home at the end of the day, I don't want to do anything.  It's even a struggle to put together dinner...and we get meal kits delivered, so it's not even hard!  Then on weekends, I feel like we are just catching up on all the stuff we need to get done.  Adulting, amirite? 

I used to write poetry on the regular.  I played guitar.  I loved to try my hand at very amateur photography. I'd tinker with new recipes in the kitchen.  We would get out and about and be amongst the people (see previous post...yeah, I'm somewhat obsessing over this right now) and we would go out to dinner or just peruse stores with no specific goals in mind.

I think the last few years have just worn out my will to live.  I do NOT mean that in a morbid way.  I mean, I feel like I am just existing right now.  As much as I try to get my groove back with the hobbies and passions I once had, I can't do it.  I'd rather just sit on the couch and watch mindless TikTok videos and scroll Instagram feeds.

I've deleted so many blog posts in the last week just because once I wrote them I thought they were shit and no one would care.  Ironically, I've checked out ebooks from the library on finding time to get stuff done and learn to prioritize and I've had to return them before I even read a word in them.  My guitar case sits gathering dust.  My camera battery hasn't been charged in forever.  

Is it a mix of depression and change in lifestyle? I don't really feel hopeless.  I just can't even bring myself to try.  Well, that's not really true.  I THINK about doing the things I used to love to do.  I tell myself that I will do them again.  I tell myself I have the time and the mental capacity to reclaim what I love.  And then I just decide a nap or making incessant lists of things I need to get done will suffice.

I know for a fact that it isn't my job that is causing this lack of enthusiasm. My current family that I work for (I am a career nanny of over 20 years) is amazing and invigorating and so supportive. Sure, I come home tired everyday, but it's a good tired and I have absolutely no complaints on the work front. 

How do I kick my own ass into getting motivated?  How do I focus on making the time for myself and then actually follow through with that? I'd love to hear any tips/tricks or advice you may have.  

panoramalamadingdong

Yikes on bikes, peeps.  

Today, the man and I had to go over to the mall to check out the new MacBook Air that he is contemplating getting.  Our first thought was "wait, is it IN the mall? Because we don't want to risk being in an inside place with a bunch of unmasked people".  Our second thought was "argh, we have to deal with people regardless". Luckily, the Apple Store is on the outside of the mall, so we could be outdoors until we had to actually go in.  So, that was a good thing.  But, it is the weekend and we all know how malls and weekends mean lots of foot traffic and bodies.  

So, we went.  You have to realize that we haven't been to a mall since the before times. Back when we would go, it would usually involve hitting the stores we needed to hit and then grabbing something to eat and people watching.  I don't know about you, but people watching is one of my very favorite activities.  

Parking was a bitch and a half.  The mall was packed.  We parked in the far corner of the lot and trekked into the outer realm of the mall.  We were two of the few masked up outside.  You may think it's silly to mask outdoors, but due to some of our health conditions and my work situation as a nanny for very small children, we aren't taking any chances if and when we have to go out in public.

I used to be a true extrovert.  I loved being out and about where people are and interacting with the population.  I loved the buzz in the air in public areas like shopping malls or farmer's markets.  I liked small talk with strangers.  I just loved seeing people interact.  But in the last few years that has changed.  I have realized that I am an ambivert. There are times that I want to be social and other times where being in the safe space of home with a book is perfection.  

Anyhow, we got to the Apple Store and it was happening.  The man wanted to look at a few things and I was ok with that.  But, after a little while, I started to feel the need to get out of the store.  I think it was a mix of too many people and just not being the type of shopping that I was into.  My pulse quickens and I just feel the tiniest bit of anxiety start to kick in.  I was NEVER like this before Covid.  

We even tried to hit up REI after, which used to be a place we could browse in from one end of the store to the other.  This time, we didn't even make it upstairs.  We both just wanted to be outside again.  (The man has always been a introvert when it comes to people he doesn't know, so this is nothing new to him.  But realizing how different I am now is kind of overwhelming.)

In the before times, once we finished at one place, we would walk back to the car making plans to go and do something else.  Weekends were our time to be out and about.  Today, we got back to the car and neither one of us wanted to do anything else.  We actually sat there and decided to go home. Actually, that's not true.  On the way, we were passing Whole Foods, so we did stop for a treat of Tres Leches cake. But we then headed home and have been decompressing ever since.

We can't be the only ones that feel like this, right? How has the pandemic changed you? Do you plan things differently? Does anxiety hit where it never hit before? Or are you just going about business like nothing has changed?  How does it make you feel? I'd love to hear how others are dealing. 

Right now, the dog face is snoring next to me on his favorite futon in the guest room. It's kinda gloomy outside and the white noise of the dryer is calming.  I have had some ice cream and may put on PJs and take a quick nap.  And that is my new idea of a perfect weekend.  

Noom-bie

I've tried really, really hard to accept my body as it is.  But, I can also see how my eating habits and my activity levels, or lack thereof, have caused me aches and pains that sometimes make going about day to day activities a struggle. I know I am an emotional and a boredom eater.  I also know that I just grab what is available rather than making the best decisions come mealtime.  

I'm tired of being tired.  

So, I started Noom.  I had seen posts about the program about a year ago and I was slightly perturbed by them because their angle at the time was badmouthing Weight Watchers.  I thought it was kind of a low blow because I know that WW has truly worked for so many people.  But, I digress.

I came across a new ad about the program and decided to give their free trial a spin.  Supposedly, they base what they do on psychology and now people think about food and activity.  Ok.  I was intrigued.  So, I signed up and answered a questionnaire that asked some really great questions that helped get to the root of what was (literally and figuratively) weighing me down.  It helped me pinpoint what the core of my issues might be and then ran with it. I also love that there is NO guilt involved.  

To be fully honest, I feel like I haven't been able to fully commit like I want to.  I started right before having some vacation time from work.  Then the overturning of Roe v. Wade came down and I spiraled a bit in disbelief.  Then, I spent a lot of time just being a lazy human because I could. But, I still lost weight.  I started May 30 and in that time I have lost almost 10 lbs.  As I write this, I had a bit of an epiphany.  If I wasn't fully committing, yet I was still managing to keep track of what I was eating in a day (and make changes to focus on better food choices without having to totally revamp our pantry and fridge), then what will happen when I go 100%?

I gave myself today and tomorrow to just stay away from the program and do my own thing.  I have eaten the chips and guac I've been craving and may have stuffed myself silly.  I enjoyed the salty, crispiness of bacon with my Belgian waffle (spread with Trader Joe's Ube Spread!) for breakfast.  Tomorrow, we will grill all the things we can grill and I will satisfy my cravings.  

Come Tuesday? We go full throttle.  I'll go back to keeping track of what I eat.  I'll do my weigh ins and keep track of my steps.  I'll figure out ways to get some sort of exercise in while I'm at work (which shouldn't be too hard to do because the 2 year old I chase around has the energy like no other!) I'll make even better decisions on the foods and ingredients I choose.  I'll be mindful and realistic.  All I really want is to not have my knees hurt at the end of the day.  I want back to not yell at me when I stand for a little too long.  I don't want to be exhausted after taking a brief walk with my dog up our steep driveway.  It's the little things.  If I get to wear some smaller clothes and lose a bit of gut in the process?  It's all good.  

Have any of you tried Noom?  What are your thoughts?  I have to say that it truly feels like it is a way to make lifestyle changes and not a DIET.  This isn't a temporary feeling.  I believe it can be a lifelong thing after I reach my goal.  It's nice to have a psychological hand to hold through the journey, with some science behind the reasons why we do what we do when it comes to food.  Please share your thoughts and journey in the comments.

If you're interested in seeing what the program is all about, you can follow my personal link here. It even includes a discount! 

It's Me, Your Local Second Class Citizen

As you know by now (and if you don't, either you've been living under a rock or blissfully unaware that the world is falling to pieces rapidly), SCOTUS overturned Roe v Wade recently.  In turn, now it is up to each state on how they deal with abortion.  Many states have already made it illegal and many others are in the process.  The penalties for those receiving an abortion and those giving the abortion are devastating. 

So, what can we do? Of course, there are protests.  But what do we do after we have yelled and screamed and shown up in droves?  As a YT woman and a shit ton of privilege because of the color of my skin, I spent the first few days in disbelief and anger.  It was hard to do anything to function because all I could think about was women in states where trigger laws immediately went into effect. But then I started to listen to to the voices of BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ women (and when I say women, please realize that I am also referring to any human with a uterus) who have been warning us all about this for ages.  

We can donate to abortion funds.  You can look for local funds to donate to near you, or you can donate to one place and it will go to a variety of funds. I am going to make a recurring donation to the latter, so that it covers more ground. 

You can also contact the politicians that represent your area/district/state.  An easy start is through Resist Bot.  Just answer the questions and like magic, your politicians are notified.  

You've also probably seen a lot of people posting and commenting about "camping".  While the gesture is nice, remember, not everyone has the best of intentions.  Also, those suggesting the camping can get into serious trouble as well, depending on the locations of all parties.  Instead, look into verified groups that can be of assistance.  They can help with the step by step process as well.  

Last, but not least, we need to vote and vote blue.  I know, I know.  Many of us are incredibly frustrated with how things are being handled and feel that perhaps all the voting we have been doing hasn't paid off. But we cannot give up.  We have to come out in droves and let our voices be heard through our ballots. As midterms are going on, we don't have the time to be passive. Check to make sure your registration is valid and up to date.  If you are not yet registered to vote, go here.

If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comments.  Feel free to vent there as well. I read all comments. Be safe and take care of yourself and each other.